smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Randomize
