When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
