i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
