he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm sobbing to NWA
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
