i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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