I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
