I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
