just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
