I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
