I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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