i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
