I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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