My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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