I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
