Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
