i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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