She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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