My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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