Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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