I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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