but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
