I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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