It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
