I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
