I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
