On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
