i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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