this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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