We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
