Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
