I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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