dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
