Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So vagazzling was a success
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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