so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
