let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It's blow job season.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
