Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
