It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize