Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
