OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
