Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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