just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
