Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
ugly people sure do ruin things
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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