i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
