Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Randomize
