i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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