Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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