oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
