FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
