Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
