I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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