So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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