Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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