For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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