He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
