Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
