I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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