for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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