she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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