Reggie can tackle my bush.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
