you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
