i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
