at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
