Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
